Life is about choices. The entirety of our existence is made up of our choices or someone else’s choices that affect us. Choices should be informed and led by knowledge, but a lack of self-awareness or self-knowledge as a person will lead to terrible life-altering decisions. In fact, I call it one of my seven deadly sins in a relationship; that is “Self – Ignorance”.

Knowing yourself will help to guide and reveal your purpose in life. It will lead you to informed decisions about your destiny and your mate. Many people choose the wrong mate because they don’t know enough about them, but some choose the wrong mate because they don’t know enough about themselves.

Just imagine spending years to get to know someone, their parents, habits, background, and even running reports to acquire private financial and legal information. You get married, and your marriage fails, not because of what you didn’t know about them, but because of what you didn’t know about yourself.

As we progress through life, we find out more and more about ourselves. This comes with emotional and intellectual maturity. But maturity in other areas doesn’t guarantee that we will mature in the knowledge of ourselves. This maturity takes work.

According to Psychologist John D. Mayer co-developer of the theory “personal intelligence,” To honestly know ourselves, we must inevitably grapple with painful information.

“The unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Am I a mean person? Selfish? Narcissistic? Overly emotional? Hypersensitive? Insecure? Moody? Gullible? Full of anger? Cheap? Prudish? Freaky? Arrogant? Rude? Condescending? Pessimistic? Depressed? Needy? A free spirit?

Possessing any of the above character traits without the knowledge of them being a part of your person, could be devastating to your well-being and most certainly your relationship.

Some might be thinking, “How could you not know you’re an angry person”? That’s a good question. The first thing to realize is, it is scary. Standing flat-footed in the mirror naked for hours dealing with the entirety of who you are is not for the faint of heart.

Denial is a powerful adversary when it comes to knowing one’s self. A blind man who chooses not to see is the blindest of all. In other words, choosing not to know is worse than ignorance.

Long ago I took a hard look in the mirror and came up with some gut-wrenching realities about myself. While some were positive and some were negative, the power was IN the knowledge. Then I made decisions to change the things I didn’t like. Most importantly, in my dating life, I was able to communicate who I was as an individual. Plants grow from nurturing, feeding and pruning – how can you do those things without knowing what you need to be feeding and what you need to be pruning?

Psychologist Daniel Goleman offered a specific definition of self-awareness in his best-selling book “Emotional Intelligence,” as “knowing one’s internal states, preference, resources, and intuitions.” He states; Self-awareness is the key cornerstone of emotional intelligence.   “Emotional intelligence” sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn’t. Intelligently analyzing our feelings can be the difference between coming to a rational compromise and behaving like demented lunatics. It can get complicated. Certain personality types require more intricate self-evaluation than others.

Recognizing who you are internally and what you project outwardly is an essential part of mental and emotional wellbeing. This recognition is rarely a natural thing. Primarily because genuinely knowing oneself accompanies self-correction, acceptance and dealing with very uncomfortable issues sometimes buried deep within.  Having a better idea of who you are, can be a powerful tool in understanding who you should choose as a mate.

Imagine that you were driving your car on a heavily congested highway and you had no idea that your engine had no oil in it. Eventually, your engine would throw a rod, and you would most certainly have an accident. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.  Now imagine you are hypoglycemic but don’t know it. You find yourself dizzy or disorientated often and have no idea why. A straightforward diagnosis would change your life forever. Knowing what the problem makes finding a solution possible.

A resounding and straightforward question is how two people can enjoin themselves to one another when neither has the needed knowledge about their true self?  A lack of self-awareness may cause you to reject sound advice and feedback. No one should be able to define you, but if you are getting the same feedback from quality sources, it may be time to look in the mirror and do something about it.

The “inner stranger” in all of us is begging to be known.

Humans are complicated beings, we all need certainty, surprise, stability, spontaneity knowledge and wonder. Knowing yourself should be a positive journey even if the road is uncomfortable and full of setbacks. It will take bravery, consistency, and strength. Anyone not longing to know the innermost workings of their self will never put in the energy to get to know you in any way that will matter for the long haul.

Here are some easy ways to know if you lack self-awareness:

You’re defensive. This is a big one. When you’re defensive, you will never see yourself or any situation clearly. Some easy ways to recognize this behavior according to Liane Davey Ph.D.:

The voice in my head runs through a list of reasons why negative feedback isn’t true.

• I start talking quickly and run through a series of points without taking a breath.
• I stop listening to what my teammates are saying.
• I find justifications for my work that have nothing to do with my capability or the effort I put in (“You didn’t give me enough time,” “Bob didn’t send me his stuff”).
• My heart starts to race when I get feedback, especially if it’s in a group setting.
• I begin my response to feedback with the word but.
• I respond to a criticism about my work with a criticism about someone else’s work (“Juan’s presentation was worse than mine!”).
• I use sarcasm to deflect the feedback or to get a laugh at my teammate’s expense.
• I cross my arms and close my body off to the person providing feedback.
• I smile and nod in hopes that the person will stop.

• You make excuses.
• You blame others when they bring your faults to your attention.

You’re passive-aggressive. This trait is another big one that deserves expounding on. According to Signe Whitson L.S.W. , some of the most common red flags of this behavior include things like:

• Withdrawing and sulking, rather than stating opinions or needs.
• Using words like “Fine” and “Whatever” to shut down a discussion.
• Procrastinating or carrying out tasks inefficiently
• Giving lip service to doing things differently in the future, while knowing they don’t plan to change their behavior.

• You don’t listen to others advice.
• You’re arrogant.
• You only feel good when you’re around people who praise you.

Here are some ways to cultivate your self-awareness:

• Meditate – spending time quieting your thoughts and taking inventory is a powerful tool.
• Pray – God sheds light on darkness. He reveals all things, if you care to listen.
• Ask for feedback and accept it.
• Become a better listener.
• Keep a journal.