It is a Melody you can’t remember, but cannot forget. It is clouds drifting up your skin tingling the nerves until they shiver. It is a vision scattered in your mind that plows itself down into thoughts of summertime evenings and warm breezes…until
Razor blades and dark sharpie felt tips sketch and carve sadness and gloom where there was…love. PDH
Ah, love… amore’…is there anything more intoxicating? From the time we were young we dreamed of it, pretended to have it, wondered what it would feel like when we finally got it.
We decided at a young age what we wanted our lives to look like. For those of us who desire marriage and a family, that picture is idealized in our minds. It’s so much more than just what our mate is going to look like. That fantasized relationship and marriage is the remedy for our loneliness and pain and sorrow. It is a bottle of Cure-All. If I can just find the right one and fall madly in love life would be perfect, right?
And then you find that perfect someone, or so you thought. Over time all of the problems and conflicts that didn’t seem to be there when you first got together begin to surface. For whatever reason, one day things explode and you or they decide it’s over. You’ve reached the “I never want to see you again” stage.
THEN
The RAIN of Thoughts…
Wow they really are putting on some weight.
Oh God, how did I let myself get back in this?
I really do hate this person!
If I could get away with it, I’d kill them in their sleep.
Sound familiar?
Everyone is familiar with this cycle, but we still can’t seem to avoid it. Think about all of the songs written on the subject of breaking up. Here are some of the better ones:
Superstar – Luther Vandross/Carpenters
Break Up to Make Up – Stylistics
You Keep Me Hanging on – The Supremes
You Oughta Know – Alanis Morisette
Hello – Adele
I could go on and on. I have a playlist on my iPod called “Love Gone” to help me transition from dead relationships. If you decide to create your own, make sure it’s not filled with songs about how you will die without them. Look for more of the empowering variety.
It is natural to feel hurt and pain when transitioning from a relationship that we were emotionally invested in. The most important thing is to transition.
Why We Stay in Bad Relationships
This list could be a thousand reasons long. Everyone has their reasons and they all sound good. I outlined some of them above. The truth is, we rarely admit to ourselves the real reasons we are staying.
Let’s pull the curtains back and expose what’s really causing you to continue to stick around.
- The sex is amazing. Stop pretending it isn’t. If the sex was horrible, you’d been gone long ago.
- You have low self-esteem. How do you know? Do you feel demeaned in the relationship? Is there physical or emotional abuse? Do their actions make you question your self-worth?
- I’m committed. Being committed to a situation that is unhealthy is no wiser than going through with some heinous act just because you said you were going to. Of course, our word should be something. Our vows were given in context, so if you change the context, you change the promise. If loving you means hurting me, it’s time to go.
- They take care of me. A spade is a spade. The fear of making it on your own when you have even a modicum of financial or emotional support (however unhealthy), is sometimes paralyzing.
5. You don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. There is an old saying, “When you know better, you should do better”.
6. Sometimes the biggest deterrent to leaving a bad relationship is not wanting to be alone. Some people would rather feel miserable in an unhealthy relationship, than be miserable alone.
7. Staying with someone because you feel bad leaving him/her is wrong. You will only harm them more when you eventually leave and in some cases, you are also doing irrevocable harm to yourself in the process.
And Round and Round We go….
What are the signs that you’re in a bad relationship?
- You’re miserable
- You would rather be anywhere instead of being with that person
- They are, or you are, abusive
- You don’t trust them
- You are no longer trustworthy
- There is no passion
- You resent them/They resent you
- Healthy communication doesn’t exist
- You can’t be yourself around them
- They make you feel bad a lot of the time
These are just a few. Add your own to this list. Be honest with yourself and break free of the bondage of a bad relationship.
HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON WHY:
There is someone else better waiting for you on the other side.
Provided you are who you need to be as a healthy, well-developed partner, there is almost certainly a better situation for you out there. The longer you twirl in circles in this situation, the longer you are missing out on a better situation somewhere else.
My Advice?
Here’s how you get free. You have to do it like a surgical cut. Clean. Precise. Deliberate. Tell them the relationship is unhealthy for you and don’t wait around long enough to debate the issue.
Do not attempt to be friends or cordial. Leave and shut the door. Do not look back. Press forward. If you must, change your phone number, change your email address. Burn, shred, destroy all memorabilia, there is no room for sentimentality. UnFriend, delete, block, unFollow; altogether obliterate this person from your reality. And please, please do not stalk them online or otherwise. Release and let go. Moving on depends on this.
An unhealthy relationship will suck all the joy, promise and purpose out of your life. You deserve better.
PDH - Paul D. Hannah
Author
Paul D. Hannah is an award-winning writer, producer, director and author. He has counseled and help hundreds of couples and spoken nationally to thousands about the power of love and relationships. He has a passion for marriages and helping people achieve their love goals.
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