Fairy God-Mother Complex :

Men by nature are providers and women by nature are nurturers; this is why the “damsel in distress” and the eternal “man-baby” are ALWAYS in relationships (relaionshipssss plural). The woman, who always needs somebody to come to her rescue, always has a man to call. Meanwhile, the independent woman is breaking her back trying to do it all on her own. Just like the man who is still living in his Mom’s basement always seems to have a long list of ladies waiting on him to get it together- while the stable progressive man is booking vacations solo.

Why is this? We all like to feel needed. However, there is a fine line between improving and enabling. For many men and women, something is off balance. Instead of providing the step stool that is needed to boost your mate to the next level, it seems like more and more are pulling their mates out of the gutter and dragging them, kicking and screaming, to the proverbial top. Often times, trying to make improvements before they are ready or may not even want. If this sounds like you, you might have the fairy godmother complex. Hoping that some pixy dust will turn a plain country bumpkin into a princess ready for royalty. As we know, it is only a matter of time before they go back to who they truly are.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to elevate the person you’re dating. In fact, any healthy relationship should make you a better person in some way. However, it is important to have realistic expectations and good intentions before we inspire any renovations. Let’s be real, how many of us have driven by a run down shack in a fancy neighborhood and thought…”Hmm, imagine what I can do with that”. A DIY project is always tempting, but here are some things you should consider before taking out your tool belt:

Do you need this more than they do?

If so, this house will surely burn to the ground before the mortgage is paid off. If you think that just because you have unbridled ambition, your partner will also; it is only a matter of time before this one-sided desire leaves you feeling drained, taken advantage of, and resentful. On the flip side, the other partners become defensive, distant, and insecure about themself. Effective, lasting change always comes from within that individual. If your love interest is letting you take the lead in reinventing his or her life, true transformation is unlikely. Make sure your partner wants the upgrades as much as you do.

Cosmetic fix vs. Gut job?

Giving your mate a new coat of paint- updating her wardrobe, throwing out his old furniture- this is a good thing. But if you go into a relationship expecting someone to change the core of who they are, it’ll never happen. If the person you are dating doesn’t have a relationship with God, chances are you won’t be able to get them there. If they have been smoking since high school, no amount of guilt will get them to stop. Know the difference between a superficial change from a place of love and deep-rooted character flaws. These include low self-esteem, substance abuse, or lying/cheating, etc. I believe people can change these behaviors but it takes years and professional help. No one should start a new relationship hoping these things will go away.

Do you hate the view?
How drastic are the changes you are seeking? What is the end goal? If you are trying to turn Jon Lovitz into The Rock maybe this just isn’t the guy for you. However, if your chubby lover has expressed a desire for lean physique, you should be there with a protein shake in hand, cheering on every pound loss. And if years from now, he still isn’t a gym rat, don’t guilt him into wanting the body you think he should have. Love him for who he is because that is who you chose.

Is this a money pit?

In the beginning stages of a relationship, the sky is the limit. You talk about your goals, where you want to be in five years, and can envision all the possibilities. But at some point potential is just potential. If the level of success achieved gets too off balance the dynamics of the relationship will shift. Your partner will begin to feel dependent or inadequate. It will become more of a parental interaction than a partnership. A healthy relationship requires two people who are as committed to their own goals and success as they are to that of their partner.

Be prepared for no return on investment:

In your mind, you will pay his way through school in hopes of becoming the next Barak and Michelle- power couple! Or you will pay for all her modeling classes and have you very own Covergirl! But usually if/when they get to the top of the ladder, they start to look for upgrades on their new level. When circumstances change, people change. Just because you knew them in the gutter doesn’t entitle you to residual dividends. Don’t end up in small claims court trying to sue for every haircut or mani/pedi you paid for.   If you choose to invest in your partners future do it out of the kindness of you heart. Give your very best, never hold it over their head, and never expect anything in return from giving.