Overweight Lover
What do you do if you are no longer attracted to your mate because of weight gain?
There are few things more taboo in a relationship than mentioning your partner’s physical imperfections. But here at The Love Script, we don’t do easy; we tackle the hard stuff.
Now let’s get the obvious out of the way, this article in no way addresses physical impairments, deformities or conditions beyond someone’s control. If you are in that situation, we pray that you are endowed with strength and perseverance. Nor are we addressing situations where someone was clinically obese when you met them. We are also not discussing post-baby weight or weight gain due to illness. I am also not here to say what is beautiful and what is not. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors.
We realize the sensitivity inherent to weight gain. I have also struggled with my weight as I have gotten older. Seems like you eat a normal meal and blow up five pounds. Everyone’s body is different.
We are however assuming that there was a physical attraction when you first met. It is inadvisable to choose a mate that you have zero physical attraction too (been there). Believe me! What do you do when your lover gains a significant amount of weight after you are together? Should you say nothing? Gently mention it over a bucket of ice cream?
Studies show that in the first year of marriage, partners gain between five and twelve pounds. After five years, women gain an average of twenty pounds, compared to twelve pounds for men. While the significance of this weight on an individual is subjective, unquestionably twenty-five pounds is enough to change someone’s physical dimensions drastically.
What if you find yourself no longer attracted to your partner? I can hear you flailing expletives at me now. But let’s be real. No matter how shallow it may sound, physical attraction is real and needed in most relationships. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, but the same must be true for the lack of beauty.
According to Stephen J. Betchen D.S.W., there are six consequences to the lack of physical attraction in a relationship:
- Poor sex life
- Affairs
- Nitpicking
- Distance
- Lack of respect
- Lack of affection
If over time, you’ve experienced one or more of these changes in your relationship, and you’ve gained significant weight, a lack of physical attraction may be the cause.
You choose what beauty is to you. But what happens when it changes drastically and it’s not beautiful to you anymore?
When starting a relationship, one of the most important things you must accept, you must accept your mate as they are. Simple right? You should never enter into a relationship with the hope that it will get better over time or that someone will change. Always ensure that what you are committing to then, is what you are willing to live with forever. It’s difficult enough to go through the inevitable changes in an individual’s personality as a result of life experiences, both good and bad, but changes in the level of physical attraction between partners have specific consequences.
A quick and simple Google search will return letters upon letters to sites such as “Bossip” asking what to do when someone is no longer attracted to their mate after weight gain. These letters are from both men and women. Don’t believe the hype; every contemporary study I have found suggests that women are just as interested in physical attraction as men.
How significant is a physical attraction?
If you asked someone to rank qualities such as faithfulness, honesty, family values, and attractiveness in order, they would likely rank “looks” at the bottom of the list. That is mostly because in our minds we know that looks shouldn’t be the deciding factor in choosing a mate. However, in reality, how we prioritize those traits is actually very different.
Studies show that our attraction to someone dominates our decision about whom we choose to date. Of course, weight is only one of the factors that determine an attraction, but it is the only one that is mostly in our control. Without medical intervention, most people can never change their face, height, shape, pheromones, voice, etc., but you can almost always gain or lose weight. It’s a terrible predicament to be with someone and no longer have an ounce of physical or sexual attraction towards him or her. How do you muster the interest to have sex with someone in this situation? Some couples go their separate ways without ever knowing that the culprit was weight gain.
It’s naive to think that love is synonymous with physical attraction or that love can overcome the lack of physical attraction in a relationship. “Love me for me” is the death phrase to any relationship. Love requires us to be our best self for the person we love, not demand their love to be stretched to the limit because of our apathy. BOOM! I said it and meant it.
While love and commitment to one another must be stronger than physical attraction, what kind of relationship can survive without physical intimacy? Not many that any of us would willingly choose.
Who is to blame?
Love is so powerful because it is not made of words, it is born of actions. Loving someone through a tough stint is the most basic form of love, but love is different than attraction. If your lover has gained weight and you are no longer attracted to them, no one is to blame. Blame solves nothing! But there is likely a reason, even if it is as simple as laziness.
What do you do if you have gained significant weight?
Be honest about it. Find out the “why.” Is it caused by emotional eating? Not enough physical activity? Depression? Losing weight is difficult, but doable and necessary. Obesity impacts everything about us. It affects the way we see the world, see ourselves and interact with others. It decreases our energy, sex drive, mental focus and physical stamina, not to mention the many negative health consequences associated with obesity. If you are obese, losing weight should be for you and not for someone else. On the flipside, you owe it to your partner to be your best self. That’s the merit of real love.
Don’t dismiss physical attraction as just something shallow. Attraction leads to physical intimacy, which leads to connectivity. In turn it effects communication, closeness, emotional bonds and more. There are few things more important in a relationship than closeness or intimacy.
What to do if your mate has gained significant weight?
You should be concerned and interested in helping them find out their “why” so that it can be addressed as part of this process. If you are having attraction issues, you MUST tell them in the gentlest, most loving way possible. Work with them as a partner on their weight loss journey. Be sure to realize your goals may be different than theirs. Yours may be to run a 5k marathon, to get six-pack abs, or some other physical challenge. Remember not to force your goals upon them, support their goals while you set your own.
Never, EVER call names. Pointing out someone’s physical flaws through name-calling is one of the most despicable things you can ever do. Make sure they feel loved and supported through the various stages of their weight loss. Psychologically, we all do better when we have emotional support from those we love. When they fail, don’t condemn them, help them get back up again and refocus on their goal.
My advice?
Be honest with each other. If you are losing attraction because your mate is gaining weight, talk to them and most importantly, help them. And if you have stopped caring and completely let yourself go, ask the question, is that fair to your mate?
Sure, some couples survive with no physical attraction or sexual intimacy, but is that the love you want to experience in this life? Why not go for it all? Explosive passion, sexual indulgence and love that makes you soar above the clouds are all possible…if you want them!
PDH - Paul D. Hannah
Author
Paul D. Hannah is an award-winning writer, producer, director and author. He has counseled and helped hundreds of couples and spoken nationally to thousands about the power of love and relationships. He has a passion for marriages and helping people achieve their love goals.